I've become quite apathetic as of late. To (almost) everything.
The only thing that I do with a full heart is parent. That's because I know she deserves my best, and even when I'm not at my best I'm going to give all I have in order to make sure she's cared for above all else. I'm grateful to have the ability to do this. I know there have been times in my life where shit was bad, and I had to depend on others to parent for me. I haven't been there in some years, thankfully.
Besides parenting my field of fucks is bare bones. I know somethings not right, but I don't know what. I care a lot. About everything. Things like...
Defeating white supremacy - Black Lives Matter. I mean black folk are getting killed by our government, and our government does nothing but let it continue to happen. I march. I protest. I educate myself. I give what tiny bit extra of money I have to black organizations which are in place fighting systematic racism.
I care about the election. I live in a country where voting is really the most direct action I can take to change my world. This election has been nauseating. I didn't want to vote for Biden, a centrist, but I had to to stop fascism.
I care about folks in this pandemic. Especially the ones that are so blinded by misinformation that they think a mask is taking away their rights. Fuck you. Ask a black person what it's like to have rights taken away. Ask a LGBTQ+ person what it's like to have rights taken away. Wearing a mask to protect others and yourself is not an act of your rights being taken away. Grow the fuck up already.
Military industrial complex. And it's continued war on the world.
Fascism/nationalism bleeding into the country I live (even though it's mostly already here).
I never have enough money to even start a savings account - I am the working poor.
I only get to experience half of my child's life - baby daddy and I are divorce. I stress about that every time she's not near. The list goes on and on...
We all must give a lot in life. We have to give, give, give every single day. Not a day goes by where we don't have to give. That's life. And usually I'm okay with that. I'm okay with having go give, because that's what life's about. I want to give. I want to care a lot. I think it a good trait to be as passionate and caring about things that are important to you - especially the things that fight oppression. I care a lot. Usually my fucks in my field are bountiful. But somethings not right with me lately. My field is barren. And this feeds my anxiety. I shouldn't have a barren field. I have no reason. I should have energy to take care of myself. I should have energy to take care of others. I should have energy to live. And I don't. I just fucking don't right now. Is it the world or is it me? Or is it both of us combine? Why is my field of fucks bare?
Guess it's time to check back in with my meds and therapist... maybe we all should do this right about now?
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