Right In Two

Humans have this quirky ability to feel multiple things at once.
Okay, it's not quirky - it's down right annoying and frustrating (dependent upon the feelings).

Lately this seems to be how I've been existing - ripped in two.

I won't go into details, because I'm not ready to come out about this, but I know you know the feeling. It feels an equal 50/50 tear. Half of me says I need this, and another half says I don't want this. I flip and flop like a toddler in a tantrum. I thrash and pull as if asleep lost in a fitful nightmare. Other humans tell me what feeling I should follow. Those humans all seem to agree. But to my feelings those opinions don't hold much pull. Therefore, my insides, all my organs, feel rived in two yet still.

It's "normal". It's a the human condition we cannot ignore. Well, I suppose you can ignore it, but it will only cause the ends to fray farther and farther. We complicated beasts are simply wired to fire off simultaneous thoughts and feelings like popcorn on a campfire, or fireworks on a dark night, or gun fire of an M16 on burst mode. I have to remind myself this is the human plight, and I am not broken or marred or defaulted in some way. The ripped feeling isn't part of my mental illness - it is a part of the infinitely convoluted organ that is our brains. I'm just a quintessential human lost in an electrical storm of the encephalon.

Fighting will only feed the separation between what I need and what I want. I know not to fight. I know pacifism is the only way to cure the frayed edges. I've been taking inventory of the struggle inside me in my tangible journal. I've been watching my feelings. I've been attempting to keep impulses under control. I don't rightly know if time is on my side here. I know patience is. I know those I love and their opinions in this are on my side. They want what's best for me. I keep that tucked in my pocket to hold on to when I feel self sabotage squirming its way into my synapses. There are times when I can't decipher if my brain wants what's best for me, or if my brain just wants whatever it wants despite the fact that it's going to be like throwing shit into a fan in my life.

I am strong right now.
I am stable.
I am humble.
I am patient.
This to shall pass.
Breathe.

h