Half The Battle

"Getting there is half the battle."
That's the mantra I used last night as I embarked on something I'd never done before.
Doing things one's never done before brings with it an onslaught of thoughts and emotions - last night for me was no different. (As I've said in past entries I'm not quite ready to "come out of the closet" yet on what I've been struggling with, but the time will come later in the future I am sure.) I was anxious - my heart hitting my chest wall, bats fluttering against my stomach lining, my mouth parched, my throat tight. I was gagging on indecision and nerve endings. Though, I knew what I was doing was the right thing for me, and I truly needed to walk the path I had set my mind on.

I started to become angry that I needed this as I drove closer and closer to my destination. I became angry at myself, my circumstance, the other folks in my life, everything. Anger is my go to emotion when I start to get overwhelmed. And I was quickly becoming overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that were slowly turning up to eleven. Therefore, I started to boil inside on top of all the shit going on already. I wanted to drive away, and never come back. Never even take that same exit again. I wanted what I didn't need.

While I bubbled and churned there was a petite part of me that kept repeating, "Getting there is half the battle." If I could just get inside the door, take my shoes off, and sit down then the rest would be less of an uphill slope.
I parked the car.
I stared at the front door.
I watched others walking in.
I turned off the car.
I squeezed the steering wheel.
I clinched my teeth.
I repeated in my head, "getting there is half the battle, getting there is half the battle, getting there is half the battle". If I could just get inside the door. I tried to take a deep breath, but that wasn't happening - too much going on inside to fit air in there. Thus, I settled for a half breath. Better than nothing, right?
I yanked the key out.
I quietly shut the door so no one would notice me.
I quietly walked to the door with my head down, hands in pockets.

And I walked in.

Immediately, my defenses puddled at my feet.
I was okay.
I conquered half the battle.

My experience from there on out did become a downhill glide, and I knew inside my guts and bones I had made the right decision. I had chosen the right battle to fight, and I had won. The time spent there was serene, zen, empowering, encouraging, and I knew I could and would come back again and again. Getting there is half the battle y'all. If you can get to the spot you need to get to you've accomplished enough to power you the rest of the way through. Take heart. Are new adventures frightening, intimidating, daunting? Fuck yeah they are. They were last night for me. But I got there, and things got easier. I got there and the negative emotions turned down. I got there, and my battle grew easier and I grew stronger. Life's hard. Existing in this world is hard. Trying to figure out how to navigate our humanity is hard. But if we can at least show up then we've fought half the battle.

h