How Much Are You Worth?

In my foundational years of my life I was told I would never be good enough for god. I would never be good enough for heaven. That I had to believe what they believed about the Bible (which I couldn’t understand when I read it), about god, and about Jesus Christ, or I would burn in hell for eternity and be separated from all those I love. I was told this as a wee child until I left for the military. This was a daily theme in my existence - you’re a sinner, you’re not worthy, you must believe what they tell you or you’ll burn in hell. Actually I was brainwashed into believing this shit up until my late twenties. Somehow I broke free.

But there are days when those voices in your head from your childhood are loud. Those voices telling you who you are is wrong, and you need to be saved for how wrong you truly are. Voices whispering about how unworthy you are. Voices distorting what you actually deserve. When your entire childhood is devoted to a religion that preaches weekly that humans are unworthy and that the blood of some dead fellow is going to make us worthy somehow, your adulthood can be a little fucked up in trying to figure out who you are. Throw a mental illness in there to boot, and you have me.

It’s okay.
I’m on a path to recovery from this type of thinking. I know that I don’t require a sacrificed human being to be of any worth. I have worth because I am a human being. My gender doesn’t make me. My job isn’t who I am. I am the sum of all my parts. And I am the nothing that holds it together. I am worthy of love, of forgiveness, of chances, of risk, and no religion told me this - I know this in my bones. I’m forging new pathways for my synapses to follow in order to heal this way of thinking and being. It’s hard, but it’s possible. I’m trying. Letting the path grow up and away that says my worth is based upon nothing but this one belief in a dead fellow. Dredging paths that say I am worthy because I exist and for no other reason than that. Because that is the actuality of the situation.

I hope one day we can all break free of the illusion that we need to do anything but exist to be a worthy human being. We’re all of great value and worth. Some days it’s hard to remember this truth. And some days it seems the voices won’t ever shut up. Stay strong. Stay vigilant. Don’t let your mind ruminate. Know your worth. Know all our worth.