But not for reason you may think.
I don't give two shits about fashion.
I don't give two shits about what's in style - what the hell is style anyway.
I buy or acquire what I like. I buy for comfort, for useability, with political statements, and what I believe looks badass. Those are my criteria for clothing.
I particularly have an obsession with coats. I love coats (and hats/beanies). And here's why...
Clothes help me feel protected. The more I have on the better I feel - especially when it comes to uncomfortable or difficult situations. I like my shirt or coat to be buttoned or zipped up to my throat when the conversations are heavy, or the feelings are deep. I feel protected. I feel like my clothes are my armor - they keep my insides from getting scraped by sharp words or ignorant feelings or ugly mannerism.
It's been this way since about middle school. I can recall on many occasions when I would entered in a social gathering when I was in a depressive episode, and someone would offer to take my coat, and I would let them know that I would be keeping it on. They would inquire if I were cold. They would inquire if I had a virus. I would explain that I simply desired to keep my coat about me, and that was that. When my depression is strong my insides become raw, and clothes give me the facade that I have extra protection somehow. The clothes tight around my neck, or my hat pulled down to my eyebrows, also give the impression that I don't want to be social with you, and that's exactly what I'm saying - go away.
By the time I was 18 I was in a place where I'd rather be clothed as if it were dead winter than any other way. Then at 18 I joined the military, and was thrown into a world where modesty and clothing as armor aren't something that is possible. Taking showers with multiple women in a short amount of time became something I had to learn how to do. It wasn't easy for someone who would have rather been in the shower with my pea coat and beanie on, but I persevered. I learned how to use Myself as my armor, and let the clothes just be something that reassured me that I was the one that could protect me, not my clothing. The clothing had always been a placebo of sorts, but now I had to know that and practice that.
As of today?
I still use clothing as armor. I know the woven fabrics aren't truly protecting me from others, but they assist me as a tool to feel safe, and I use them as such. We all have "things" we allow to help us feel safer, stronger, braver. Clothing is just one of mine. A ski mask says I can feel what I want, and no one can judge me. My hat pulled down tight says I don't have to look into the eyes that shoot daggers of misunderstanding and ignorance. My beanie covering my ears protects me from the thoughtless words thrown at me that sting and swell. My coat buttoned up tight at all entrances protects me from the feelings of others that they do not realize are permeating the air all around them, and too protect my feelings from pouring out like they always desire.
My coat, my hat, my beanie, my ski mask are all pieces of armor that give me a sense of protection that allows me to be more me in a world that isn't always sensitive to people who are as of a snowflake that I am. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a snowflake, because when all of me comes together I literally can cause an avalanche of Haley and smother you. Though I have control over the snowflakes at this point in my existence. My pride as a snowflake though is for another entry. This entry is just to let you know that some folks wear clothes or use their cell phones, or put makeup on, or hold inanimate objects, for reasons beyond what you know and/or can grasp. This world is a vastly complicated place, and we are all managing the best we can. Don't judge because you'll be judged, judge not because you don't want to be an asshole.
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