Dark Matter

Maybe I was born with more space between my atoms than some folks? Maybe I am more void than matter. That is what my depression is... a void. I feel nothing and loose grasp with my matter. I am more dark matter than I am the kind of matter light bounces off. I absorb light, and it vanishes into nowhere. Or maybe it is consumed in some way? Whatever the case, this is a theory to the reason for the depression I enter into.

The first time I got trapped inside the void I was an adolescent. I sliced myself off from everyone. Their presence inside my head made me feel ashamed, and therefore I cut them all out. It was quiet - piercing silence. I quit talking. I quit playing. I stopped showering. I curled up in my dungeon and would sleep when the sun set and then well past when it rose. I was inside the violently silent void where there existed no matter and nothing did matter. I was imploding on myself, becoming the void. I had no hope. The strongest draw was the truth inside the void - there is only hopelessness. Inside the void the feeling of hope was the strongest felt when lost. When one no longer feels hope thoughts of getting out again start to seep in like hot water to a tea bag. I lost the feeling of love. I lost the feeling of joy. I lost the feeling of anger. But the hardest feeling to lose was hope.

When you lose hope you lose the will to live. Hope says that it’s okay, hope says that love is still there even if you don’t feel it, hope says you’re not alone, and hope feeds your will to stay alive. Without hope life is practically impossible. You can exist without hope, but your existence is just that - existing. You cannot live without hope this I’ve learned. There are an array of emotions, but when I entered the void of life emotions start to dissipate. The positive emotions are always the first to go, and the violent negative ones are always the last. I would cling to the last bits of anger for as long as I could, because once you can no longer feel anything the void has consumed you, and finding the will or need to try and feel again is all but gone too. Life can take emotions away at times, or in my case just the void itself can take your emotions away, and you must do your damnedest to cling to hope. If you do anything at all, make clinging to hope is where your energy is poured. If you have hope you have a basic piece to life, and that can keep you alive longer than all the other emotions. Cling to hope when you get lost inside the space between your atoms.

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"And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it

And keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone"

Migraine by XXI Pilots