Warning - A particular demon has come out to play, and this content may not be to your liking.
I've lived with this bullshit mental illness (bipolar disorder - BD) for 63% of my life - and yeah, that's a spot on number (Google did the math - sure as hell wasn't me). The past 10 years I've drastically improved my abilities in living with BD. I have quite the arsenal of tools in order to not kill myself, and in order to not destroy the life I've grown when mania decides it's stronger than I am. My meds are working as best meds can. They have stabilize me in ways I cannot do on my own. I have quite the love/hate relationship with them - as most folks do with maintenance meds. I have a "family" of folks who support me, care for me, reassure me, hold me, comfort me, redirect me, calm me; basically keep me from myself when myself isn't myself. I have Mother Nature who restores balance. I have my writings. I'm proud of the work I've put in over the years in order to build these forces that I can run to when my demons are running for me.
As of late I've been reading a shitton of "self help" books. I believe self evolution is essential for "true peace and happiness" in one's existence. I want to learn. I want to apply what I've learned. I want to listen. I want to see other perspectives. I want to gain wisdom. I want to save the fucking world from itself. But I'm tired of all these fucking self help books - exhausted really. I'm tired of trying to evolve right now. I'm tattered on the ends from trying to solve my daily existential crises. My self help books have become not helpful. I believe it's time to shelve them until the time comes to pick them back up. I think it's time to read some stories from other dimensions that bring my mind adventure, and aren't geared toward delivering me from my wounds, bad habits, and demons.
Now, I ask myself... is this my depression talking?
I don't know.
Maybe?
But maybe during this episode instead of rushing for the weapons to fight my demons I'll just chill in my tree house for awhile with my fantasy books while those little bastard demons drool on the ground beneath me with hunger in their eyes and unrest in their empty frames. I need a break from growing. I need a break from evolving. I need a break from folks telling me what to do to do better. I need a break from the constant voices I've been reading and listening to that have found their path to freedom and want me to take that path too. Fuck your path right now. I'm exhausted trying to stay on the trail that does nothing but climb, climb, climb - without plateaus or down hills or pine needle cover level surfaces where I can take my shoes off and tread barefoot a while. I'm gonna chill in a tree beside the trail for a bit, and take shelter and let go of my constant need to evolve.
This is my plan for now.
I'll reevaluate in a few weeks.
I think we all need breaks from trying to be good, trying to do right, trying to grow, trying to thrive, trying to be strong, trying to face life head on, trying to fight all the goddamn time. I'mma take my break now. I can't grown right now. I need this. Maybe we all do from time to time.
Summer sucks.
I'm ready for autumn.
h
This is my plan for now.
I'll reevaluate in a few weeks.
I think we all need breaks from trying to be good, trying to do right, trying to grow, trying to thrive, trying to be strong, trying to face life head on, trying to fight all the goddamn time. I'mma take my break now. I can't grown right now. I need this. Maybe we all do from time to time.
Summer sucks.
I'm ready for autumn.
h
In the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, the first story is "La Loba", a beautiful story about a woman who roams the deserts of the southwestern U.S., collecting the bones of wolves, carrying them to her cave, and then singing over them throughout the night, slowly but surely singing them back to life. It's a beautiful story.
ReplyDeleteThen she talks about the power of the wolf as a symbol for the feminine and what drew her to that. She said that wolves are exceptionally intuitive, that they honor their rhythms and move through life with grace and power. She said that when they / we don't honor those intuitive rhythms, we become scrawny, our coats get rough, our eyes dim, our tails droop.
But when we listen to our intuition and follow what our spirit leads us to do, as the wolves do, the shine returns to our eyes, our coats fill back out, our tails lift, and there is energy in our step.
Wolves know when it's time to play, when it's time to love, and when it's time to retreat to the cave for a while to rest, heal, be.
We all need to go to the cave from time to time.
Taking a good adventure book with you to read while you're there sounds like a wonderful way to make that time even sweeter.
A sweet pause is always, always a good idea in the midst of a trail that feels so unendingly steep, don't you think? I sure do. I agree 100%.
Enjoy the treehouse. xoxo