thoughts in a blender

Black trees painting nervous systems on white skies. Deep trenches in my mind made my monsters in my childhood hiding behind wooden crosses. Sanding down planes of hate with trenches so deep and walls with ceilings preventing self love from logically existing within the synapses and chemicals of my brain.

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They don't know. Obviously. In their own worlds. Worlds all sharing this space. They don't know. They don't know I'm barely holding it together. They don't know I'm trying to hide my shaking arms and hands. They don't know I can't quit thinking about dying. They don't know I'm sitting here terrified of my own mind. They don't know I just came from therapy where I'm reminded to just survive a hour at a time.

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When humans are threatened by uncertainty they will do whatever necessary to destroy the uncertainty.

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You get to decided how you want to react to your feelings... all these feelings are chemicals... chemical reactions in the brain in the body they are not who you are... you are the controller of this existence of this vessel of this body... you control how to react to the chemical reactions... it sounds grotesquely simple and it is... just because something is simple doesn't mean it isn't arduous beyond what some humans can grasp beyond the work some humans want to exert beyond the courage some humans want to give... there is no mastery in this it is a lifelong pilgrimage on the physical plane... there are physical limitations in this realm... but reactions have no limitations... you can be miserable... or adapt ... or accept

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There are nine bishops running round my head. If you understand this - respect to the clique. I'm tunneling through Dema. I plan to escape. I've seen over the walls. There's life out there. And I'm gonna dig my way through.

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what is real

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h