MMXIX / 2∅19

Leave 2∅18 Behind You

I don’t have words to give for 2∅18 - or maybe it’s that I have so many they become traffic jammed in my throat? Whatever the cause I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words to end yesterday and begin today. I don’t have words to end last year and begin this one. There are enough occasions where I have all the words, alas this is not one of them. The fact that I have no words is a testament to the weight this past year holds, and the fearful hope I have for the coming year. 

I will not venture into the tangled web of vines I weaved this year - it is far too much for this blog to hold. I predict that truths I am learning, and have learned, from this past year will bleed through the entries of this coming year. The truths planted in 2∅18 will bloom for years to come; for just as there were those planted shallow and have already sprouted, there are those that were planted deep into soil that will take more than a few rotations and/or orbits to blossom. Everything has its season. You cannot rush nor slow truths - they come when you are ready. 

I haven’t any specific resolutions for 2∅19. 

I’m learning when I set specific resolutions or goals I become overwhelmed, and my rebellious nature says ‘fuck it’ and quits. I believe if I set vague resolutions I am less intimidated by failing, and therefore quitting doesn’t become an option. This year I have two resolutions - they may be mantras as well come to think of it. The first is…

Stay focused. 

Stay focused on Myself. Too often I become focused on a relationship, or reforming society, or on saving the world, or my writing, or my bipolar disorder, or my daughter, or escaping reality, and so on and so forth. I have whatever the opposite of AADD is… I become hyper focused - obsessed even. I have always been this way as far as I can recall. But not this year. This year I am to stay focused on Me. That sounds strange I know, because all those things I mentioned are a part of me, but they are not Me. I Am. When I start to focus on the fact that my brain is sick, and start to obsess over this, I start to become that sickness and it strips away the rest of me. Today I am focused on Me. It is hard to translate how I see this in my head onto here, but hopefully you catch my drift. If not that’s okay. My second resolution is…

Try everyday.

I’ve learned that if I take the first step then 9∅% of the time subsequent steps will follow. Therefore, if I will at least just fucking try something then I will succeed in other areas. Also, if I try and fail, at least I tried. Some days I will not have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to do what it is I want to do, and that is okay. Those days I very well may fail, and failing is okay, because failing isn’t a negative thing per sé; it’s just a part of the human existence. I learn from failing. I get thicker skin from failing. I become stronger from failing. If I see failing for what it is, a part of my existence instead of this “bad” thing, then I can use failure as a tool to be better than I was before I failed. I will try to blog.  I will try to wake earlier. I will try to eat healthier. I will try to get some physical exercise. I will try to read more. I will try to learn. I will try to journal more honestly. I will try to be more kind. I will try to stay more present. I will try to meditate. I will try to not run from a problem. I will try. I will try. I will try everyday. Just try. Just at least try something today. That’s all I gotta do - try. 

I’m apprehensively excited for 2∅19. 

I will let 2∅18 be in the past.

I will stay focused on Myself.

I will try every damn day. 

This trip around this sun will be one I have been the most present to - I claim this.

Haley /∆

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