Name that Murderer - Ambition Edition

On the hind side of my right arm are painted the words of a murder... "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I believe I had ambition when I was a child. 

I had repressed any trauma that might have occurred in my childhood enough where I could enjoy my existence as a preteen. I believe my eighth grade year of school was the last year I gave a fuck about life in general. Then after puberty settled in, so did depression, and my depression opened my eye to the abysmal realities of existence. Gray Truths like learning to let go and accept before we can start to see the simple perfect beauty of life without meaning. I mean growing up with shit like that in your head as a teenager is annoying as fuck when you're trying to figure out how to make out with a guy when really it's totally uncomfortable because you'd rather make out with Susan because she smells good, and you want to feel her hair wrapped in your fingers, and you want to feel her feminine body pressed firmly against your's, and you want to feel her breath close against your's; but you'll burn in Hell for that shit, so just let your mind turn up the temp on self loathing a little higher and let it whip those thoughts into shame and disgust for yourself. I do recall what ambition felt like. It felt like energy. It felt like having a reason. I felt like having purpose. It felt like having a drive for something or someone. It felt like you were fighting the good fight somehow someway. It felt good. It was light, and fun, and attractive to others, and inspiring. It was me before depression. It was me before childhood demons came festering out of mental closets. It was me when I could have been better. It was me when I could have been someone who gave more because they had more. 

Twenty-one years ago I had my first depressive episode. 

Since then surviving is all I've ever had the energy for - if you want more from me then you've over estimated the human that I am. All I can do is survive. The energy it requires for me to get out of the bed in the morning when I'm fully aware that there is no fucking point to get out of the goddamn bed is the same amount of energy that is required by other humans to reach global societal heights of Everest proportion. The fact that I somehow have a job, a child, a car, a place to live, regular therapy sessions, regular med therapy sessions, a (almost) Lover, friends, and family is a goddamn miracle - and requires all energy to which I currently posses in my existence. That's depression. Replacing a drive for life with a vacuum. Replacing ambition with a black hole. Replacing determination with idontgiveafucks. 

There are no excuses for not contributing all you can to this world. There is always another who has overcome worse, and given more. And it is not a competition to see who can give the most. It is a matter of being who you know you're suppose to be, loving that person, and giving the world a piece of you they deserve. I cannot use the excuse that depression has robbed me of all of my drive for life as a reason for not giving the world the piece of me they deserve. But right now, on this back porch, on a Sunday mid-morning, before I've taken my meds, at 34 years old, I don't give a fuck. I don't. I don't fucking care. Existence is futile. Life is a waste of energy. Humans are a waste of mass. And I'm so sick and fucking tired of the optimism of those around me. I'm also tired of them being tired of my negativity. Wake up. I'm realistic. If you don't like listening to the truth then go to church. You hear it as negative, and want to hide from it. It's the reality of the situation, and shouldn't be ignored for the sake of your sanity while others bear the weight of your ignorance. 

I have no ambition for life.

I have no drive to be better.

I have no energy to grow.

I have no motivation to move period.

All I can do is survive right now.

That's all you're getting out of me.

If you want more out of a human than surviving then I suggest you look beyond me.

Haley