What's My Age Again?

I'm 32 years old now...

And as you age you hear folks say, "I'm [insert age here], and I don't know where the has time gone!"

For whatever reason it may be I don't have that problem - maybe it's a perk of having a good memory? I know where all my glorious moments have gone. I can remember finite details of golden green memories of my childhood with my brothers on my great uncle's dock on the lake. I can recall the smell of my mother's slip I used to sleep with - I called it my "be'o'by". I can remember the ruff of my father's goatee as he tickled the bottom of my feet with it. I can hear songs I used to drown myself in trying to hide from the incessant dark thoughts beating inside my teenage skull. I remember a lot; sometimes too much - I suppose remembering can be both a blessing and a cruse. 

I'm 32 years old now...

And I'm looking back at the pages of my life with my mind's eye and I am at peace. I don't hold regrets. I don't hold grudges. My heart isn't callused. My spirit isn't broken. It seems I've made it these 11,885 days, and I'm still waking and taking moment by moment with grace. I'm happy that more days will come. I don't live inside those future days, but I look forward to their beauty and their lessons. I look forward to the love I get to share with my daughter, my Love, and my bountiful family and friends. It's weird to see myself type that I look forward to the future. It has taken many life times to get to this place of peace and love. (Read that again... A woman who once tried to commit suicide just wrote that she's happy more days will come. Wow - that makes me proud, and makes me hopeful for others like me!)

I'm 32 years old now...
And I need (and want) to keep growing. The past couple of years of my life has been, well, life. It has been as light as a child's laughter at times, and as heavy as watching someone die before your very eyes at others. I don't necessarily know where I'm going, I never have, and that's part of my path. I have grown to love my path of uncertainty. These past couple of years which I never saw coming having been probably some of the most difficult of my pilgrimage thus far, but during this time I was (am) probably the strongest I've ever been, and had the most human support a kid could have with folks who love me unconditionally.

I'm 32 years old now...

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And I wouldn't be here without you - the reader. I've had this blog for few years now, and those of you that choose to read me give me hope in my sharing ability, and hope that we all have the ability to take in things that make us uncomfortable and love them. You're hungry to learn, hungry to be empathetic, and hungry to grow - it's down right beautiful. I love each and everyone of you that read my wondering thought trails, that support me with your encouraging loving words, and push me to be to grow a little bit each and every day. I need you folks! At 32 years old I've learned that we can do nothing alone - we need each other - we are vast living organism broken off into different pieces in order to experience life at its fullest. Thank you for being a part of my journey, and I more than look forward to so many adventures ahead with you by my side.

Love and Light,
Haley