"Forgive yourself each night, and recommit each morning."
Over this past year I've started over, it feels like, practically every morning. Starting over has been a rite that has kept my feet on the ground, and my heart from giving up. Starting over has kept my mind focused on moving forward. There have been too many times where I wanted to stop trying, I wanted to give into giving up, I wanted to run away from everything and everyone, and loose who I am completely to who knows what. There were nights when torso clenching sobs tore me apart, and I'd lay there ripped into saw-toothed fragments - unsure if I would ever be whole again.
Then I'd remember... "Forgive yourself - forgive, forgive, forgive. Then when you wake in the morning you recommit to your higher self, to this pilgrimage, and to those you love. Beating yourself into a fetal position with a severely bruised spirit isn't something that is going to bring you the peace you need. Therefore, why are you doing this to yourself?! Forgive yourself strong one, and in the morning let the sun wash you clean, let its light give you hope, and devote yourself to yourself and your journey once more."
I'm doing it again this morning.
I'm starting over.
It's not a negative thing.
It's not because I'm a failure.
It's because I'm strong.
I'm strong enough that after feeling like a complete failure, and wanting to give up yet again, I didn't. I forgave myself last night before I gave into sleep, and this morning I'm recommitting. If I were weak I'd have given in last night to the thoughts inside my head that told me I was worthless, a failure, thoughts that told me all was hopeless, and that the world and everyone in it is better off without me. I didn't give into those thoughts. I let them pass. I forgave myself for the beating I'd given myself. And then I found sleep.
As I woke this morning I sipped green tea, and decided my body needed a recommitting as well. With that I will be only consuming raw food, water, and tea for the next three days. It's a physical manifestation of the recommitment to myself - myself as a whole.
"Forgive yourself each night, and recommit each morning."
I do not believe in ultimate perfection. I do not believe in a perfect life, or a perfect human.
We all have unique pilgrimages. We all are unique in what we can offer this world. We may "fail" time and time again; but if we forgive ourselves, if we recommit, if we learn, then our failure wasn't a failure at all, but merely a stepping stone to higher levels of consciousness and better realities we can create for ourselves and each other. I believe we all possess an inner strength that is beyond what we can comprehend. Forgiving ourselves and recommitting takes that inner strength. Even though we are unique we call come from the same life force, and that life force can be your strength if you let it. We're in this together - my strength in your strength - you're strong enough to forgive yourself and to recommit, this I know to be true.
Namaste,
Haley
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