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Heart reassures, "No, no, no, just keep going - I promise it's going to be okay."
Brain argues, "She's wrong. It's not going to be okay. You're letting yourself get taken advantage of, and you know it!"
Heart calmly reminds me, "Trust me in this Haley, trust me. This is real. Real things have to be worked for. It's the fake things that come easily. You're going to have to sacrifice. You're going to have to work. Plus, you know Brain isn't always truthful. Remember, all the times she has hurt us?"
When you've had a mental illness, like depression, your entire existence it makes it very difficult to listen to your brain - impossibly difficult. Even when your brain is actually making healthy, logical, rational sense, you still can't trust your brain, because your entire life your brain has been lying to you, and you have no idea what is truth.
Your heart has never lied. Your heart has always been a victim to your brain's insanity. Your heart knows what it feels, and is in touch with your intuition unlike your brain, and your heart is full of love. Your heart doesn't suffer from a mental illness, and you know trusting your heart can equal some of the most beautiful paths life can offer.
Though there comes times when your brain is actually trying to protect you, but you can't trust your brain, because for all these years it has tried to hurt you and destroy you. Thus, what in the hell do you do? Your brain is making sense this time, but hell, your brain made sense last time when it told you to kill yourself. Your brain really seems it's trying to protect you this time, but damn it, your brain seemed it was trying to protect you when it said lying to everyone was a smart thing to do. Your brain seems to be seeing more than your heart is this time, but shit, it seemed your brain was seeing more when it saw rivers as means for drowning, speeding eighteen-wheelers as escape routes, and trees for hanging.
When you've had mental illness for as long as I have, and your brain has a tendency to not have the ability to decipher healthy from unhealthy or safe from unsafe, you lose confidence in your brain and its abilities to maneuver your existence. Therefore, when your heart is begging you to do one thing, and your brain is pleading with you to do another, what in the hell are you suppose to do?
Haley
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