I have warnings laying about this blog cautioning readers that this blog isn't for entertainment, instruction, or enjoyment. Rather this blog is the raw, unedited, uncouth gnawings of a human. (And guess what... you're human... like me... scary huh?)
This entry is going to be bleak, dark, and littered with so called "curse words". Therefore, I issues content warnings to those who are triggered by curse words, mental illness, or anything pertaining to such. You've been warned. Proceed with caution...
If you've delved into my blog at all, you'll have discovered that I have a mental illness. I've never "named" this mental illness. For years I have dealt with the shame of having to name it, and claim it as something I "have". This shame stems from the taboo attitude towards mental illness by the mass majority of humans on this planet, from the exploitation of mental illness by other humans, and from the wrong attitude of thinking by my own subconscious that there is something "wrong" with me. No more. I am ashamed no more.
I have double depression.
You can google this. You can research what you'd like, if you'd like. I'll give you the textbook definition, but if you want to know more that is at your discretion (You can also ask if you're curious and brave enough.)
Double Depression: "Double depression is a complication of a psychological condition called dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia. Dysthymia is a chronic, depressed mood that lasts at least two years. This low, dark mood -- sometimes referred to as a "veil of sadness" -- occurs nearly every day and persists for years. Some people may have this mood disorder for 10 to 20 years, or even more, before seeking treatment.
Over time, more than half of people with dysthymia experience worsening symptoms that lead to the onset of major depression on top of their chronically depressed mood. This is known as double depression." - via WebMD
Recently I "lapsed" into a major depressive episode. It has been difficult. It has been weekly, sometimes biweekly, sessions with a therapist. It has been medical intervention with an antidepressant called Lexapro with a psychiatrist. It has been insurance fights. It has been expensive. It has been scary. It has been tiring. It has been painful. It's been self destructive. It has been hard on those that love me - really. fucking. hard. It has been a major depressive episode, and it has been fucking hell.
This isn't something new. To date this is my fifth (fucking number FIVE (5)) major depressive episode. So, I am versed in major depression. But this is the first where I've been conscious enough, awake enough, and mature enough to not implode. I am gaining the tools and support to hike through this episode. BUT...
There are days where I get sick and fucking tired of hiking. I get sick and fucking tired of fighting to make my legs move another step. I get sick and fucking tired of being depressed. I get sick and fucking tired of wanting to incinerate the very breath to which is gracing these undeserving lungs.
Today is one of those days, my friends. I'm tired. I'm done hiking. I'm done fighting these muscles to work another fucking step. I'm giving in today. I'm stopping. I am down on the damp, dead, cold leaves, and giving up. I'm letting the depression have its way. I'm letting it win today. I'm letting it have control. That usually means self destruction and self harm. That usually means bad behavior. That usually means saying things I don't mean. That usually means hurting those I love unintentionally. That usually means nothing good in any sense of the word. But some days that's all I got. Some days that is all there is. Someday is today, and I decided to share it - publicly.
This is not a suicide note. I'm not committing suicide today. This is a piece of a human you rarely get to see. The Shadow piece. The tender, raw, hurt piece. This is humanity in the flesh, blood, and sever lack of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This is mental illness in real time - live and uncut. Along with being tired of hiking and fighting - I'm tired of hiding. With coming out of the "mental illness closet" I hope I have inspired someone to do the same - don't be ashamed of your plight! Don't be ashamed to seek help - my therapist and psychiatrist are humans who make this plight surreal and beautiful. Don't be ashamed of the medication you may need - Lexapro has been a lifesaver, even though I hate that fucking shit. Don't be ashamed of You - the mental illness isn't Who you are, it's just apart of you; and if you can become aware of it, you can accept it, and then you can decide how you react toward it.
So...
Hello.
My name is Haley.
I have double depression.
And I'm human just like you.
Haley
This entry is going to be bleak, dark, and littered with so called "curse words". Therefore, I issues content warnings to those who are triggered by curse words, mental illness, or anything pertaining to such. You've been warned. Proceed with caution...
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I have double depression.
You can google this. You can research what you'd like, if you'd like. I'll give you the textbook definition, but if you want to know more that is at your discretion (You can also ask if you're curious and brave enough.)
Double Depression: "Double depression is a complication of a psychological condition called dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia. Dysthymia is a chronic, depressed mood that lasts at least two years. This low, dark mood -- sometimes referred to as a "veil of sadness" -- occurs nearly every day and persists for years. Some people may have this mood disorder for 10 to 20 years, or even more, before seeking treatment.
Over time, more than half of people with dysthymia experience worsening symptoms that lead to the onset of major depression on top of their chronically depressed mood. This is known as double depression." - via WebMD
Recently I "lapsed" into a major depressive episode. It has been difficult. It has been weekly, sometimes biweekly, sessions with a therapist. It has been medical intervention with an antidepressant called Lexapro with a psychiatrist. It has been insurance fights. It has been expensive. It has been scary. It has been tiring. It has been painful. It's been self destructive. It has been hard on those that love me - really. fucking. hard. It has been a major depressive episode, and it has been fucking hell.
This isn't something new. To date this is my fifth (fucking number FIVE (5)) major depressive episode. So, I am versed in major depression. But this is the first where I've been conscious enough, awake enough, and mature enough to not implode. I am gaining the tools and support to hike through this episode. BUT...
There are days where I get sick and fucking tired of hiking. I get sick and fucking tired of fighting to make my legs move another step. I get sick and fucking tired of being depressed. I get sick and fucking tired of wanting to incinerate the very breath to which is gracing these undeserving lungs.
Today is one of those days, my friends. I'm tired. I'm done hiking. I'm done fighting these muscles to work another fucking step. I'm giving in today. I'm stopping. I am down on the damp, dead, cold leaves, and giving up. I'm letting the depression have its way. I'm letting it win today. I'm letting it have control. That usually means self destruction and self harm. That usually means bad behavior. That usually means saying things I don't mean. That usually means hurting those I love unintentionally. That usually means nothing good in any sense of the word. But some days that's all I got. Some days that is all there is. Someday is today, and I decided to share it - publicly.
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So...
Hello.
My name is Haley.
I have double depression.
And I'm human just like you.
Haley
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