In the year 2001 I was 17 years old, I was a senior in high school, and I was at a abysmal loss as to what I was going to do after high school. Since 1999 I had a deep sense of public service, thanks partly to television like The West Wing and JAG. Or maybe it was that sense of public service that lead me to fall in love with characters like Jed Bartlet and Harmon Rabb. Whatever the case, public service stirred something deep inside me.
Let me state this first off; for me college never felt right. I had no drive to continue education. I enjoyed learning, but I hated school. I imagined college would be more of the same of high school, and I wanted nothing more than to escape high school. Also my parents were far from wealthy enough to afford my college without drowning in debt, and I didn't think that fair for them to pay for years for an education I may never use, since I had no idea what I wanted out of life. Also, I sure as hell didn't want to start off adulthood accruing massive amounts of debt.
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September 11, 2001... I stayed at home that day from school for no particular reason. I watched lived the second plane crash into the tower. After that day I knew exactly what I wanted to do after high school - defend my country against enemies foreign and domestic. I was going to join the Navy. The military appeared to me to be this ultimate plight in life. To sacrifice your life (alive or dead) to the service of others. It seemed there was no better way to serve than to join the military. It was how I could be a public servant without waiting. I was talked out of the Navy by an Air National Guard teacher, and my mother. I instead joined the Air Force before I even turned 18. My mother couldn't sign my delayed enlistment papers, or even attend the meeting where my father signed them due to not wanting to send her first born, and only daughter, to death I imagine. I didn't care though. I was an 18 years old, 100% self absorbed, ornery son of a bitch. This was my life, and I was going to do what the fuck I wanted to do with it. And what I wanted to do was blow some shit up in the name of freedom. Maybe I was angry at what happened 725 miles away when the Twin Towers were attacked? Maybe I felt trapped living in the thick, suffocating, heavy politics of a small town, and wanted out? Maybe I was scared, because here came adulthood crashing down like Niagara Falls upon my chest? Maybe years of glorifying war movies made the military seem to be this dream like world where I could be the best I can be? There are an infinite amount of factors that have their fingers laced into the decision of an 18 year old joining the military. I was no different. There were indeed an infinite amount of reasons I joined.
A lot of folks like to toss military servicemen into these neat little boxes as to why they joined. They want to kill people without punishment - psychopaths. They're poor and have no where else to go - moochers. They're super patriots, who think dying in war in the ultimate glory - narcissists. They're lost, and don't know what else to do - misguided vagrants. Well, as I stated before, it is not that black and white. Sure, there are those that join for the wrong reasons. There are black and white cases as to the motivation for joining a military, but most servicemen fall in the gray area with a lifetime of reasons stacked inside them that lead them to be wearing that uniform. You cannot judge them until you are fully aware of their intentions, their motivations, their personal evolution.
I joined mostly because I wanted to serve. I literally knew no other way at 18 years old, growing up in the Bible Belt, surrounding by Republicans, and starving for meaning in life. I wasn't presented any other way to serve. Hell, I wasn't even open minded enough, imaginative enough, empathic enough, to even consider other people in the world. You're taught, not with ill intent mind you, that America is the best country on Earth, and everyone should be like us. You're taught Christianity is the only "right" religion, and everyone else is going to burn in Hell. So, you need to take your American Jesus and your American Bible, your Coke, your Abercrombie and Fitch, your Eminem (best selling musician in 2002), and your Chevrolets to the rest of the world, and make them understand that this is better for them. I was a product of my environment. There was a humanitarian inside me who wanted to serve humanity, but it was diluted to believe that serving Americans was what Americans did, and I should take my culture and force it down others throats until they got it. Please, read me not wrong, I blame not my enviroment for my joining the military. It had heavy influence and I was young, but ultimately it was my choice - and mine alone.
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I was released from active duty eight years ago. I look back with pride and shame. I'm not sure if I would do it over again, or not. I would guess knowing what I know now - no, I wouldn't join again. I evolved into a pacifist. Violence is never the answer. War is never justified. There is no honor in killing anyone. Being proud of one's country only divides us as humans. The military of today is merely a weapon of the corporations of America. I was not enlighten enough at 18 to know this. I was not mature enough to come to these conclusions. I was a lost, scared, trapped 18 year old, and the military was my way out. It seemed like I was doing something noble, but in reality I was doing the only thing I knew to do. I was desperate, and the military was my savior. Yes, I joined for a million tiny reasons which stacked up inside my head in a chaotic mess, but down deep the military seemed my only option, and I believed I was serving the greater good (boy, was I wrong).
I do get upset when I encounter a pacifist today who calls servicemen murdering neanderthals who couldn't think their way out of a paper bag. It upsets me because I was a service member, but I wasn't a murderer or stupid. I was young, naive, and ignorant. I wasn't searching for blood. Honestly, when I joined the Air Force I didn't think I'd ever see war up close - and I didn't. But who do these pacifist think they are when preach at servicemembers at 18? How blessed they were if they were raised by an enlightened society and culture which preached oneness with the world, empathy, and love. I wasn't raised in that. If they were more evolved than I, and didn't join due to consciousness, then kudos to them. I wasn't that evolved yet. I was still pretty wet behind the ears at 18 - pretty fucking sheltered. It's not fair to judge service members who joined for what seemed like nobel causes when they were naive and ignorant. Now, judging those who are in now and continue to serve when they are no longer naive and ignorant is another thing. Though you can be a colonel with 17 years in and still be naive and ignorant. So, age is not a factor here. Personal evolution, knowledge, and level of consciousness are the factors one must consider when judging those serving in the military. A lot of Americans are not "awake" enough to realize war is no longer necessary, and is being waged for greed, pride, and domination. But more and more are "waking up". Humans are evolving I believe - slowly, but surely.
I once was headed down a path to be a successful warmongering American bad ass in the United State Air Force, but thankfully my consciousness intervene. I judge not those who still serve. I know not their plight. I know not their intentions. I know their consciousness level. I know not why they continue on their military path. I know why I had to stop though. I know that as a human evolves violence becomes less and less an answer. I know I won't go "solider bashing" as some super enlightened pacifist, because that too is a form of violence. I will continue on my path of nonviolence, my path of no more war, my path of imagination, of empathy, and of love. That is what I must do now, and now is all that exist.
I once was headed down a path to be a successful warmongering American bad ass in the United State Air Force, but thankfully my consciousness intervene. I judge not those who still serve. I know not their plight. I know not their intentions. I know their consciousness level. I know not why they continue on their military path. I know why I had to stop though. I know that as a human evolves violence becomes less and less an answer. I know I won't go "solider bashing" as some super enlightened pacifist, because that too is a form of violence. I will continue on my path of nonviolence, my path of no more war, my path of imagination, of empathy, and of love. That is what I must do now, and now is all that exist.
Haley
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