My, my, my...
The start of this "blog" was due to my previous "blog" host site being terribly outdated, and for having me constantly in fear that they were going to loose all my entries. So I found refuge here amongst the "Blogger" universe. I copy and pasted every past single entry on this lovely site. I've kept said "blog" private until I had read through the four years of mayhem. Well, after completing the read through, I find it was indeed mayhem. I also was anonymous with my previous "blog", but now I believe it's time to come out of the closet. Though no one in my "real" life knows of this "blog" should they stumble upon it I hope they still love me after they find the real me. If they don't, well maybe they didn't really love me in the first place. You see I plan on holding nothing back. That's the only way to which I can write; nothing but truth, no matter how disturbing it may be to others.
I finally finished reading through the 200+ entries this evening while the young'un is warm in her dreams, and my other half is bustin' a sweat at the ye old gym. Now... well now... now I sit in awe in this uncomfortable computer chair in this wee little office in my cozy little cottage. I am just absolutely flabbergasted as to who I was during those years. It is literally like I was someone else. (Fuck, maybe I was?) I recall the majority of the things to which I wrote; the feelings, the actions, the thoughts, all of it, yet I can't wrap my brain around the fact that was actually me putting forth those words. It seems rage and depression were the two main emotions I felt for many years. I can't say I wasted those years, because I am a better person for such today. Though it feels as if I did waste many years of my life being filled full of such "insanity" - it feels that way very much so. I must keep reminding myself how much wiser, stronger, and saner I am for those years. It was an internal war to which I won.
That seems a very odd statement to declare. "It was an internal war to which I won." Who is I in an internal war? So let me recant that statement all together, because it is not accurate at all after pondering it. I didn't win. There was only one me at the time; a self destructive, bitter, heavily depressed, rage harboring, maniac. That's the only me there was, and that me did not win. Rather than me (at the time) winning an internal war, that war burned the old me and a new me arose from the ashes. I'm not sure when she was conceived but it was before I became pregnant. I believe the my actual pregnancy is what caused the new me to be born - to fully come out to this life. (Ironic how that worked.) At that point the new me came forth, and I started the search for new life. I will admit that the new life was found deeply in being born from the chains of Christianity.
When I started writing this entry I meant it to be short and to the point; I was completely mentally unstable, my past writing truly reveal that, and now I am a completely different person. Though now that I have started writing this entry I feel I want to delve deeper into why I was so mentally unstable. I do believe the foundation for my, let's just call it "insanity" for the sake of having to write mental instability over and over. [ Take note though insanity is a broad term. It is not a clinical term. Also this was my insanity, no one else's. My own brand. Had I stuck with therapy a clinical term might have been attached to me, but as my past blog reveals therapist don't stick with me very well. So in saying "insanity" I am referring to my particular brand. ] So the foundation for my insanity was I do believe wired into my brain. I inherited such. It was "predestined". It was handed down from generations. I was born this way. I do believe that was the foundation. I then believe my environment, not my home environment mind you, grew the foundation up even higher. What environment you ask; my religious environment. I think Christianity fed the insanity. I then think a lot of my decisions fed the insanity even more so. The decision to be over absorbed into church in high school, and not develop a "normal" social life. Decisions to not listen to my heart time and time again, like joining the Air Force instead of the Navy. After making bad decisions I was then caught in worm hole of sorts. I was trapped inside my own insanity, and I no way out - literally. Every decision I made after I had become trapped was me merely trying to keep my head above water. I would start to drown, and contemplate going AWOL. After the military I was so dependent upon others and chemicals that all I could do as a civilian was survive. I was drowning worse than ever. And silly me thought "getting out" would be my saving grace - what a joke.
I cannot definitively say that religion solely feed my insanity in my adolescence. I could have not been overly in church, and had a "normal" social life, and still the insanity could have taken hold - that is possible. Though I believe the absolute ridiculous riggers of religious life set the course for constant failure in my own eyes. I could never be good enough to my own self, and I would always be a failure. Though this is how I felt on the inside, on the outside I looked down up everyone because they neither were living to the standard to which Christianity sets. They preached, and preached, and preached, but who their eyes said they were, and what their actions displayed, was that they were slimy, conniving sons of bitches. They made me sick, though I made myself even sicker. I was terribly over saturated with religion and church. This was by my own hand. My mother nor father ever pushed me towards church. It was my choice to spend copious amounts of free time there. A mistake I regret everyday. Christianity has left a deep, painful scare which I know will never properly heal. Though again I am stronger for having survived such. Should I have never been so overly saturated with religion and church maybe someone would have taken a deep look into my strange moods and seclusion tactics. There are a million maybes, a million different scenario to which I could conjure, a million different if and buts, but that's in the past now, and I must move on.
So I looked back. I looked back at to the old me. I am sad for all the time wasted. I am still healing I believe. I am also better for having endured, and having come on out with scars, rather than six feet under. I'll never get that time back, but that will serve as motivation to never waste a moment with the new me. There will be dark hours, but nothing like before, for she is dead and gone.
Confident,
Haley
That seems a very odd statement to declare. "It was an internal war to which I won." Who is I in an internal war? So let me recant that statement all together, because it is not accurate at all after pondering it. I didn't win. There was only one me at the time; a self destructive, bitter, heavily depressed, rage harboring, maniac. That's the only me there was, and that me did not win. Rather than me (at the time) winning an internal war, that war burned the old me and a new me arose from the ashes. I'm not sure when she was conceived but it was before I became pregnant. I believe the my actual pregnancy is what caused the new me to be born - to fully come out to this life. (Ironic how that worked.) At that point the new me came forth, and I started the search for new life. I will admit that the new life was found deeply in being born from the chains of Christianity.
When I started writing this entry I meant it to be short and to the point; I was completely mentally unstable, my past writing truly reveal that, and now I am a completely different person. Though now that I have started writing this entry I feel I want to delve deeper into why I was so mentally unstable. I do believe the foundation for my, let's just call it "insanity" for the sake of having to write mental instability over and over. [ Take note though insanity is a broad term. It is not a clinical term. Also this was my insanity, no one else's. My own brand. Had I stuck with therapy a clinical term might have been attached to me, but as my past blog reveals therapist don't stick with me very well. So in saying "insanity" I am referring to my particular brand. ] So the foundation for my insanity was I do believe wired into my brain. I inherited such. It was "predestined". It was handed down from generations. I was born this way. I do believe that was the foundation. I then believe my environment, not my home environment mind you, grew the foundation up even higher. What environment you ask; my religious environment. I think Christianity fed the insanity. I then think a lot of my decisions fed the insanity even more so. The decision to be over absorbed into church in high school, and not develop a "normal" social life. Decisions to not listen to my heart time and time again, like joining the Air Force instead of the Navy. After making bad decisions I was then caught in worm hole of sorts. I was trapped inside my own insanity, and I no way out - literally. Every decision I made after I had become trapped was me merely trying to keep my head above water. I would start to drown, and contemplate going AWOL. After the military I was so dependent upon others and chemicals that all I could do as a civilian was survive. I was drowning worse than ever. And silly me thought "getting out" would be my saving grace - what a joke.
I cannot definitively say that religion solely feed my insanity in my adolescence. I could have not been overly in church, and had a "normal" social life, and still the insanity could have taken hold - that is possible. Though I believe the absolute ridiculous riggers of religious life set the course for constant failure in my own eyes. I could never be good enough to my own self, and I would always be a failure. Though this is how I felt on the inside, on the outside I looked down up everyone because they neither were living to the standard to which Christianity sets. They preached, and preached, and preached, but who their eyes said they were, and what their actions displayed, was that they were slimy, conniving sons of bitches. They made me sick, though I made myself even sicker. I was terribly over saturated with religion and church. This was by my own hand. My mother nor father ever pushed me towards church. It was my choice to spend copious amounts of free time there. A mistake I regret everyday. Christianity has left a deep, painful scare which I know will never properly heal. Though again I am stronger for having survived such. Should I have never been so overly saturated with religion and church maybe someone would have taken a deep look into my strange moods and seclusion tactics. There are a million maybes, a million different scenario to which I could conjure, a million different if and buts, but that's in the past now, and I must move on.
So I looked back. I looked back at to the old me. I am sad for all the time wasted. I am still healing I believe. I am also better for having endured, and having come on out with scars, rather than six feet under. I'll never get that time back, but that will serve as motivation to never waste a moment with the new me. There will be dark hours, but nothing like before, for she is dead and gone.
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Confident,
Haley
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